Makeover summer! That’s what it’s felt like. I had the exterior of my house repainted, a new front fence, and a complete redesign of my front yard landscaping. It has taken weeks of planning and many days of workers doing their thing. All went smoothly barring a few leaky faucets. Whew!
I worked with a landscape architect to design a simple plan for my small front yard. No more grass, no more rotting fence. When the landscaper had asked me what I wanted, I’d told her I wanted a fairy garden, watching her reaction closely in case she thought I was a bit daft. But judging by the final results, she must have understood.
Demolition of the existing yard came first and then the plants arrived. I first saw them through my front bedroom window huddled in their pots awaiting placement, but I didn’t venture outside until everyone had gone home for the day. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning as I clapped my hands together with wonder and glee, all the textures and colors and the promise of flowers on each one. They were magical. The actual planting wasn’t scheduled until after the weekend, and I visited my plants several times over the next few days feeling a bond between us. How did I get so lucky?
Shifting Emotions
Then dread…”Where is this coming from?” I wondered a few days later. The plants were now planted and the final touches were coming together. It was a garden beyond what I had envisioned, but I was feeling great pangs of discomfort.
Wanting to relieve my anxiety, I began to examine what might be causing this bizarre reaction to a garden that had turned out to be more beautiful than I’d imagined. “Uh-oh,” I suddenly realized. It did not fit with the “medium” yard I’d envisioned, one that would blend in with the neighboring houses. Instead, I now had a yard that would cause people to slow their cars and even stop to stare. Strolling neighbors would pause, entranced by what they saw. It was blingy and showy! I must have done something wrong. “STOP!” I ordered myself. What on earth was going on, I wondered. It took a bit more soul searching, but I finally realized what it was all about.
Personal Insight
My wondrous, magical garden did not blend in. It stood out, and I don’t like being the center of attention. I didn’t like it as a child, and I don’t like it as an adult. While this wasn’t news to me, I must admit that I was completely blindsided by having this reaction to my new yard. I was grateful and relieved, however, that I was able to determine why I was suddenly having this negative reaction to a very positive situation.
Thankfully over the years I have learned that it’s not productive to judge these insights about myself. Therefore, I tried not to label all this as silly or stupid, good or bad. (Although I have to admit the word ridiculous did wander through my brain.) I strive to accept my inner workings as simply part of who I am.
Now that I had identified the cause of my discomfort, I had to decide what to do about it. I determined that in this case my feelings were unnecessary and they did not serve me in any positive way. There was, after all, no danger or problem that needed to be solved. All was well with my world, so I chose to embrace the wonder of receiving a garden far beyond my expectations. I chose to be grateful that I could share such beauty with others bringing a smile into their day.
Knowing Ourselves
So what do you do when unexpected feelings come up? Do you ignore them, bury them, overlook them completely, or perhaps wallow in them making yourself and those around you miserable? Needless to say, none of these techniques are preferable, so what can we do when unexplainable emotions overtake us? We must learn to inquire within.
If we always bury or ignore emotional unease, whatever is triggering it will simply arise again and again until we receive the intended message. Wallow in it? For a short time, perhaps. Have a good cry or rant first if necessary, but then put some thought to it. Think it out. Write it out, walk it out, or talk it out until you understand what is triggering the feelings. You can then make the best decision about what steps to take next.
It’s important that we learn to inquire within and to not be afraid to shine a light on every corner of our being. We should not judge what we discover, but simply be informed by it. Moments of disequilibrium and distress signal incoming messages. As we work to receive and understand these, we grow and become wiser about ourselves. We can then navigate our lives in the best possible way.